CRANK: no plot, no problem!

Crank is an action movie that exists for only one purpose: to show Jason Statham being crazy and destroying everything in his path. The "plot," if you can call it that, is simple. Hitman Chev Chelios has been poisoned with some crap that is going to kill him, except that for some reason adrenaline keeps it from doing so. So Chelios has to keep his adrenaline flowing long enough to hunt down the assholes that poisoned him and kill them, since killing people is, after all, what he does best.

This is the most ridiculous drug ever, since with most poisons the faster your heart beats the worse off you are because it circulates it through your system, killing you faster. But who gives a shit! This is an action movie, and according to action movie physics, it doesn't matter what the reason is so long as it causes explosions. And while this movie doesn't have any major explosions, it does have a main character much like the Terminator: no matter what happens to him, he just won't fucking die.

That and high speed car chases. Jason Statham behind the wheel doing crazy things is his trademark, however, so that's not really surprising. What is fun to see is how he manages to keep his heart rate up after he gets his car stuck on an escalator in a shopping mall and has to take taxis. Not to mention experimenting with whatever drugs he can get his hands on, chugging energy drinks, and doing whatever random shit he can think of to keep himself on edge. Chelios freaking out on the various chemicals he puts into his body in an attempt to keep himself alive is totally fucking hilarious.

The movie has a bit of a problem with spazzy editing - although it's rated R, any scene with boobs is short and stuttering, while scenes with Jason Statham's manly butt are crisp and clear. I'm not quite sure why the director did that since most action movie fans are guys. But he does have the best girlfriend I've seen in an action movie: sure, she does freak out when she finds out that her boyfriend really IS a hitman, but she gets over it quickly and is more than willing to "help him out" if you know what I mean (wink wink nudge nudge). There's juuuust enough of her to give our main character a little bit of depth beyond just killing people, but not so much that you're sitting there going "why am I watching these two losers profess their love for each other, I want some motherfucking explosions already!" Not to mention that the two of them entertain a crowd, including a busload of Japanese schoolgirls.

This movie is fairly bloody and does involve some removal of body parts. They don't overdo the blood too much, in the sense that you're not sitting there going "no way does that skinny asshole have that much blood in him," which is nice to see, although I'm still wondering why Chelios wasn't a broken bloody mess at the end like Bruce Willis in Die Hard. Oh right, because Chelios is a crazy fucking machine on hallucinogens. And that is why we love him!

This movie has a good pace of action, action, comedy, action, comedy, action, action. If you like seeing a dude get shot point blank and then someone making a joke five seconds later, you'll probably dig it. Still, the plot, such as it is, only exists as an excuse for widespread destruction, violence, and insanity. There's really not too much method to Chelios's madness, so don't expect too much intellectual stuff. Just sit back and laugh as some crazy asshole kills, maims, and destroys everything in his path.

Favorite lines:
"I know you motherfuckers have epinephrine!"
"Don't talk to him like that! My boyfriend kills people!"
"You got a steel hard-on, don't you?" "Lemme check... CHECK!"

I feel so free...